Jumat, 11 Februari 2011

Love : So She Stood You Up...

Have you ever had this experience? You finally found the nerve to ask that "special girl" out on a date to dinner and a movie. Without even hesitating she gave you a nervous "yes!". Perhaps you even talked further on the phone and felt that you two clicked well. The date was planned and finally comes Saturday night. You are all decked out in your best shirt, nice shoes, with money to spend, and waiting at the agreed restaurant meeting place. 

About 30 minutes goes by and your thinking "Ok, no problem, she's just late". So you ask the bartender for another drink and you wait some more. Now an hour has gone by and you are beginning to worry so you call her cell phone, nothing. You call her house, nothing. You call her pager, nothing. 

And then you realize in the pit of your stomach that you were just stood up. She is a "no show" and you had no idea that this was going to happen. What do you do next? Well if you get angry at situations like this and blow your top then please read the following tips that can help you retain your composure. 

1. You need to understand that she has a right to abandon the date. You do not own her nor should you have had any expectations. Yes I realize that it was extremely rude but still yet, you should not take rejection personally. 

2. Be honest with yourself in realizing that your anger over this rejection is related to your need for gratification from another person, which is wrong. Be confident that you can move on, do better, and find someone less flaky. 

3. Instead of getting all bent out of shape and spending the night mad, use the experience as a spring board to have a good time that same night. And, do not call her back to argue or leave hateful messages. Let it go. You are above such actions.
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Motivation : Control Your Own Level of Motivation

When I first mention this to most people, they really don't get it, so here is a simple formula for keeping your moods upbeat.

Audio books and music can be used as tools for motivation. The audio book is such a great motivational and learning tool, while you are commuting, or just out for a drive by yourself. I mention "by yourself" because, ideally, you should spend quality time with people in your car.

You can learn so much about life and a self-improvement audio book can keep you motivated all day long.

When I first started listening to audio books it was during commuter traffic through Providence and Boston. I would show up to meetings relaxed, with fresh ideas, and motivated. When people asked me the secret, I told them about the magic of audio books.

Most of them never asked me again, thought I was some strange eternal optimist, and never bothered to try an audio book.
Unfortunately, many people are slaves to stress, and don't want to change anything. They go about their lives with a perfectrecipe for a heart attack and high blood pressure.

Here is the ultimate recipe for a very sad and short life. You must combine "running late" to work, high volume traffic, the daily latte, a high stress job, and show up barely on time or late.

Some people are, what I call, "mad at the world." They drive from one intersection to the next, making gestures at everyone. Some of these people can be helped, while others go through a daily cycle of frustration and even invite violence.

Now, let's get back to you. As long as you stay aware, you have control over your motivation, moods, and level of optimism. So, take charge by plugging yourself into positive energy with books, audio books, music, and positive people. 




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Motivation : Does Your Life Lack Meaning?

Vera sought out counseling with me because her doctor advised her to discover the emotional causes of her chronic fatigue. Vera, a successful stockbroker, was in a loving 18-year marriage. On the surface, everything in her life was fine. She had enough money, friends, and a good relationship. Yet Vera awoke each morning battling fatigue and depression.

David sought my help because of chronic feelings of inner emptiness. David is very successful in his manufacturing business, has a good marriage and two adult children. Like Vera, everything seemed fine. Yet the feelings of inner emptiness drove David to overeat, overspend, and indulge in porno on the Internet.

While both Vera and David were successful in their careers, neither loved their work. They worked to make money, but their work had little meaning for them. Yet when they looked inside, neither could discover what did have meaning for them. Both reported that they had never experienced a sense of meaning in their adult lives, and that the emptiness and depression had been with them since adolescence.

As I worked with Vera and David, it became evident that each had made a decision early in their lives to shut down their feelings to avoid the deep pain of unbearable loneliness. Vera shut down because she was unable to tolerate the loneliness of her mother's behavior toward her. Her mother would say she loved Vera, but Vera never felt her love. Instead, she felt her mother energetically pulling at her, trying to suck the life out of her. As a very sensitive child, Vera could not tolerate this confusing experience, so she put her feelings in a box and decided to live out of her head instead of her gut.

David, also a very sensitive child, shut down because he was unable to tolerate the loneliness of being with two emotionally unavailable empty parents, and the loneliness of rejection from peers.

As adults, both Vera and David were still shut down from their feelings. They were still afraid of feeling the pain of loneliness – a feeling that is actually an everyday fact of life. Loneliness is present when your heart is closed or another's heart is closed, or when there is no one with whom to share love. Loneliness is the primary feeling when we want to connect with another and the other is unavailable. If you were completely open to your feelings, you would feel moments of loneliness throughout the day. However, most people never feel this feeling and are completely unaware of it, because the moment there is a twinge of emotional pain, they move instantly to various addictions and addictive behaviors, such as substances, activities, thoughts, shame and blame. Yet when we shut out pain, we also shut out joy and a passionate sense of purpose.



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Motivation : Allow Time For Germination

There is a concept in coaching called seed planting. It means that it takes time for new ideas and suggestions to be embraced. There are clients that take hold of a new idea and run with it, some take a little more time to allow the idea to grow while others can take years before the idea sprouts. Still some clients will never grasp the idea. It will simply lay dormant. It doesn't really matter what the client does with the idea. The purpose is to plant the seed and the client can do with it what they will. Sometimes the idea just needs time to germinate.

A counselor once told me that not to make a decision is a decision. She said not to choose was a choice. I thought she was nuts and went on with my life. It was five years later when I was in the middle of a situation where I was avoiding a decision that her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I literally said out loud, "I get it." It took years for that seed to germinate in my brain until one day it sprouted and grew into a concept I understood. I was finally ready to get it. I wasn't able to hear it before, but with time, I had evolved enough so the concept made sense. New ideas can take time to get used to. When we first hear the idea we may not be ready for it. That is fine. When you are ready the idea will sprout and grow and be there for you.
The other side of this is not to force your ideas and suggestions onto other people. By all means share them, but leave it at that. Seed planting isn't an aggressive act; it is gentle and done with love and compassion. All you can do is plant the idea. What happens to it is up to the individual and what they are ready to hear at that very moment. The idea may sprout right away or it may take years. That isn't your concern. Your job is to plant the seed and move on.

Everyone is at different places in their lives. Sometimes you will understand the new idea right away and perhaps even take action on it in the moment. At other times it will take a while. Don't beat yourself up when you don't get something right away. It just means the idea is in germination. When you are ready the idea will sprout and grow and be right there to support you. Until then don't worry about it and go on with the ideas you are ready for. There will be plenty of idea seeds sprouting at any given time to keep you busy. 
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Info : Looking For Discount Shoes?

Shop Online For Terrific Deals On Popular Footwear!

Smart consumers have discovered that purchasing discount shoes online has several major advantages. With more and more so-called "brick and mortar" stores competing online these days for business, the consumer comes out the clear winner! 

It is now possible to view a major shoe manufacturer's entire product line right from the comfort of your own home. Many of these online shoe stores offer special unadvertised shoe sales and discount shoe coupons. You can even read helpful reviews on brands you are considering for purchase.


Some Major Advantages To Buying Shoes Online: 


· Save Time And Money

There is no need to waste hours of valuable time and precious fuel traveling from one store to the other. Online shoe stores are easily accessible twenty-four hours a day right from your home computer. With the click of a mouse, you can find lots of great bargains at several well-known Internet footwear stores. There's a real good chance you'll find the brand and style you're looking for quickly. All the major online stores offer free shipping, free return shipping, and never charge sales tax!

· Huge Selection

Many online stores carry a huge selection of footwear for Men, Women, and Children. They are committed to providing their customers with a wide selection of styles, colors, sizes, and brands. If you're looking for specialty shoes, you've come to the right place! For example, you'll find shoe sizes ranging from AAAAA to EEEEEE. Many of these sites also offer a large selection of shoe accessories, luggage, and other leather products.


· Unbeatable Price Protection Guarantee

Let's suppose you find a shoe for a lower price on another web site or in a shoe store. Many online shoe stores will now refund you 110 - 115% of the difference between the lower price and their price. They will give you up to 10 days to take advantage of this policy. What a great deal!


· Free 365-Day Return Policy

More and more online shoe stores are offering an incredible 365-day return policy. If you are not 100% satisfied with your purchase, you have an entire year to return it! Return shipping is absolutely free. You are even provided you with a pre-paid UPS or USPS domestic label to return your purchase.
Summary

Purchasing footwear online can truly be a pleasurable experience. The online shoe shops have bent over backwards to make the whole process quick, easy, and convenient.

It is highly recommended that you give it a try! 
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Relationships: Taking Care of Yourself in the Moment

Maria consulted with me because she was frustrated about the distance she felt in her relationship with her husband, Carl. He wanted to be close to her, but she didn't feel close to him.

"I think the problem is that he often talks to me in a judgmental or condescending way. He sounds like a parent rather than a partner. I just hate being spoken to like that."

"How do you respond when he speaks to you like that?" I asked.

"I withdraw and feel badly. Then later I sometimes try to talk with him about it, but he doesn't know what I'm talking about. He thinks I'm too sensitive and that I just want to blame him."

How often have you had the experience of not knowing what to say in conflict? Later, after thinking about it, you think of all the things you wish you would have said. Then you go back to your partner to try to deal with the issue, only to discover that it's too late - your partner doesn't understand what you are talking about.

"Maria, imagine that the part of you that hates being spoken to like Carl speaks to you is a small child. Would you let him speak to a child like that?"

"No. Actually, I don't let him speak to our children like that. He speaks to them with kindness and caring because he knows that I will say something if he is mean to them."

"So you stand up for your children in the moment, but you don't stand up for yourself, for the child within you, in the moment?"

"Yeah. I just never know what to say."

"What do you say to him later?

"I tell him I didn't like his tone of voice. But he isn't aware of it."

"Right. He will be aware of it only if you say it in the moment. Most people are not aware of their tone of voice. When you tell him about it later, he really doesn't know what you are talking about. You need to be responding in the moment for him to hear his own voice. You need to be saying something like, ' Carl, I hate it when you speak to me in that judgmental, parental voice. I don't feel like being with you when you talk to me like that.' You have a much better chance of him understanding what you are saying when he can hear his own voice in the moment. And you will feel much better when you speak up for yourself in the moment. You will not feel so much like withdrawing when you are not abandoning yourself in the face of his judgmental tone."


While Maria certainly didn't like Carl's tone of voice, her distance from him was more due to her self-abandonment than to his behavior. As long as she was being a victim and not taking care of herself in the moment, she was feeling badly. It's easy to blame Carl and think that her feelings are his fault, but her feelings were really the result of not taking loving care of herself around Carl.

Marie started to speak up, not blaming Carl but just letting him know her truth. To her great surprise and delight, he finally began to understand what she was saying. He was actually a caring person and just didn't realize that he was being parental and judgmental. The more Marie responded in the moment and spoke her truth, the better things got between them. Carl wasn't perfect, but Marie found that when she spoke up instead of withdrew, they were able to deal with the issue in the moment. She also discovered that the more she took care of herself in the moment instead of being a victim – with Carl and with her friends and family - the more respect Carl had for her. Some of his judgment toward her was coming from his frustration over her not speaking up for herself with her family and friends! 
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